Paige Feldstein

It’s one thing for me to make jokes about lesbian stereotypes. (I know I probably shouldn’t, and I haven’t quite made up my mind about the “well, I am one, so I can joke about it” argument.) It’s quite another thing, however, to say things like THIS:

“I’m gay, but I’m basically straight in all ways except that I am homosexual, so I’m looking for someone to date who’s gay but doesn’t seem gay”.

WTF, guys. what.the.fuck.

Do you realize how fucking stupid this is? How homophobic and cruel? How goddamn ignorant?

Guh. Do I have to explain why this is shitty? I guess maybe I do because I have heard this sentiment a hundred times at least from all different gay people.

OKay.

We’ll start at the beginning.

Saying “I’m gay, but I act straight” or my most hated phrase “I’m a straight-acting gay” does not make any fucking sense, people.

Being gay does not say anything about you, except who you’re sexually attracted to. It’s not about personality, politics, mannerisms, interests or style: IT’S ABOUT SEX, OK? It’s attraction and absolutely nothing else. NO assumptions other than whether you have/will have/are interested in having a BOYfriend or a GIRLfriend can be made based on someone’s sexual orientation. This goes for ANY sexual orientation.

(This mistake is not often made with straight people. I don’t meet people and go “oh, well, you’re straight so obviously you…blahblah can’t-even-think-of-a-stereotype-for-this-example blahblah” and NO ONE says “I’m a gay-acting straight person”)

Again, wtf.

Now, I understand that a lot of this is about gender roles. Guys who act more “traditionally feminine” are seen as “gay-acting” and guys who act more “traditionally masculine” are seen as “straight acting”. The same awfulness goes down for girls too. If you’re “masculine” you’re OBVIOUSLY a dyke whether or not you actually like girls. If you’re “feminine” you’re obviously straight and you get the “but you don’t LOOK like a lesbian” or the “you’re too pretty to be a lesbian” or you get shitty looks in gay bars because they think you’re a “fag hag” and “straights have their OWN bars”. True Story. This leads to a lot of discrimination and shittiness all around.

I could go into a whole rant about “masculine” and “feminine” and how that hardly means anything to me anymore, but I’ll save that for another post.

Anyway, the point of my disorganized ranting is this:

If you say that you’re looking for or that you are “a straight-acting” gay you’re saying that people who stereotype teh gheys are right. You’re saying that being straight is better than being gay. YOU’RE AGREEING WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE JUDGING YOU AND GOING ALONG WITH IT. You’re being just as shitty and closed-minded as they are and you’re allowing other people’s incorrect perceptions to determine who you are.

I get it. I really do. I understand feeling brainwashed into the idea that straight is better than gay. I understand looking around and not seeing anyone remotely like you represented by the supposed gay people on tv and in movies. I get that most people are straight and the world is built around that sexuality. Ads, movies, books, tv…even social norms and common language indicate that straight is the way everyone is and that’s just how it should be. I GET THAT.

But gay people should know better than to just follow along with that idea.

I’m not saying that having a preference as to the personality, mannerisms, politics, interests or style of your significant other is bad. That’s not it.
I’m saying that attaching any kind of assumptions to the word “gay” that don’t have anything to do with the sex of the person you’re looking for in a mate is WRONG.

So, don’t do that shit.

/rant

As I look back at the archives on this here blog of mine, it occurs to me that I haven’t written a single New Year’s post. Not because the passing of a year and the coming of another goes by unremarked by me, but I think because reflecting on the turbulence that I’ve faced in the last few years is hard to do and even harder to explain to the general public who may or may not have been party to it.

There are still some bumps in the road, don’t get me wrong. But things have changed this year.

2011 might have been one of the best, most successful years of my life. In both personal growth and more concrete ways like jobs and grades.

In 2011, I started going to school at UW-Waukesha. This was the beginning of a turning point for me and probably the most important thing I did this past year. I met some amazing people of the friend variety and also have found some new role models and mentors. UW-Waukesha is where I figured out how to do well in school. It’s where I found out what it means to be more than merely interested in something–to be truly passionate about it. It’s where I realized what I want to do with my life–the path is now laid out.

In 2011, I got a new job that I can really only describe as “character-building” (but hell, it’s a job, right?), I got some new clothes and really made some progress on getting my sexy right.

In 2011, I spent a whole year out of the closet. (Damn. A year already?)

So many other big and small things have happened this year. Internally. Externally. All kinds of stuff. So, I guess I can honestly say that 2011 was a good year for me. And I feel like I haven’t been able to really say that for the last few years. Sure, some awesome stuff was in those years too, but this most recent year, I feel like I haven’t set myself back too much. (The same cannot be said of the previous two years, unfortunately) Instead I’ve pushed steadily forward in a direction that feels really right.

I can’t really explain it any better than that. And also I have to go to work. (That’s kind of a shitty end to the year, but it’s okay, I can use the money for all the really cool shit I’m planning for 2012).

Speaking of, 2012 is probably going to be fantastic, barring any catastrophe I obviously haven’t foreseen.
It’s going to be filled with classes I love, both at Waukesha and hopefully Milwaukee in the fall. It’s going to be filled with friends and roadtrips and a lovely family cruise. It’s going to be filled with me learning about myself and the world. No resolutions for me this year in particular; I really just want to keep doing what I’m doing–slow, but steady personal growth. And lots of good times that I make sure to appreciate.

And maybe a really lovely girl in my future? Who knows? I guess we’ll see, won’t we.

My Brother My Brother and Me

Somebody I know posted this on facebook. It was really good.

My request today is simple. Today. Tomorrow. Next week. Find somebody, anybody, that’s different than you. Somebody that has made you feel ill-will or even [gulp…] hateful. Somebody whose life decisions have made you uncomfortable. Somebody who practices a different religion than you do. Somebody who has been lost to addiction. Somebody with a criminal past. Somebody who dresses “below” you. Somebody with disabilities. Somebody who lives an alternative lifestyle. Somebody without a home.

Somebody that you, until now, would always avoid, always look down on, and always be disgusted by.

Reach your arm out and put it around them.

Wow. That’s great, I thought to myself. If only there were more people who thought like this and acted on those thoughts.

But then I read the post about all the responses to the original post, and it was far more moving to me. It’s a lovely notion, to think about what the world could be if we all just loved each other a little more. Idealistic and optimistic maybe…but then you read things like this and realize that one person on a blog on the internet can change the world, even just a little bit.

I am a person who has always hated gays. I make fun of them and I bash on them, I say things about them that are horrible and its not just gays, its also people with tattoos and hippies and obvious druggies. I’m 42 years old and that’s how it is where I live in Alabama adn its everybody who does it.But as I read your article, something inside me switched on and it changed everything. God I feel so shitty about it and I always knew it was wrong but like I said thats just what people do around here.

So anyways I called up this guy that works with me at the warehouse and everybody knows he’s gay even though he won’t talk about it and I told him that I was sorry for all the shit I always pull and that I was going to take him after work tomorrow and buy him a beer and he said he’d come. I honestly have never felt that good about anything in a long time and I know that this is the start of something that will take work but I’m going to be the one that changes it around here.

Just kind of off. Wonky, if you will. Like things just were not quite right and I was not quite right and I could not seem to put my finger on it in such a way as to be able to remedy said wonkiness.

I’d forgotten how I usually escape from these periodic funks of mine. For a long time in my life I would have to read, but when I did not have the right book it didn’t work. So, for a long time I didn’t have a reliable way to de-funk myself. And believe me, I have tried a lot of things.

I’ve most recently discovered that the only thing that always helps clear away the wonky feeling is philosophy.

I somehow forgot that today, (it’s been a while since I’ve been in such a funk) but being very into philosophy and being somewhat bored on this day off, I strayed into reading some articles, which turned into book lists and must-reads which turned into me reading Sophie’s World, which I came by here to quote earlier.

And so I read some Sophie’s world, and I looked up some philosophers and then all of a sudden I realized that the world wasn’t so off anymore. That I was right in my mind, at least for the most part, once again.

Now maybe I just need some sleep and some time and the funk will be gone. I just need to remember next time I wake up and feel wrong that there is a fix. And all I have to do is sit and read and focus and reason and then wham! the world is right and I am right within it and everything is okay again. Simple as that. If philosophy could ever be described as simple, I guess.

I just started this book because it seemed like a quick read and I love philosophy. I’ve been sifting through the interwebs looking for highly recommended and well-loved philsophical books to put on my reading list. Sophie’s World came up time and time again. Here’s just a taste– I’m only a few chapters in, but I like it already.

It seems as if in the process of growing up we lose the ability
to wonder about the world. And in doing so, we lose something central—something
philosophers try to restore. For somewhere inside ourselves, something tells us that life is a
huge mystery. This is something we once experienced, long before we learned to think the
thought.
To be more precise: Although philosophical questions concern us all, we do not all
become philosophers. For various reasons most people get so caught up in everyday affairs
that their astonishment at the world gets pushed into the background. (They crawl deep into
the rabbit’s fur, snuggle down comfortably, and stay there for the rest of their lives.)
To children, the world and everything in it is new, something that gives rise to
astonishment. It is not like that for adults. Most adults accept the world as a matter of course.
This is precisely where philosophers are a notable exception. A philosopher never gets
quite used to the world. To him or her, the world continues to seem a bit unreasonable—
bewildering, even enigmatic. Philosophers and small children thus have an important faculty in
common. You might say that throughout his life a philosopher remains as thin-skinned as a
child.
So now you must choose, Sophie. Are you a child who has not yet become world-weary?
Or are you a philosopher who will vow never to become so?

It’s like Socrates said. Philosophy begins in wonder. I have, what seems to be, an unceasing amount of wonder. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

I was going to do a post about what I’ve been up to lately, but I don’t really feel like it. Instead, I’m going to write about a few random and unrelated things that have been on my mind in the last few days.

1. Why do I like spicy sweet chili doritos? It occured to me while I was eating this particular kind of doritos last night that I really like them because they taste like they have soy sauce in them.

2. I’ve been (very slowly, because I don’t have much time to watch) watching Caprica. It’s the off-shoot series from the reimagined Battlestar Galactica (which I absolutely loved). I don’t know if I like it or not. I mean, it’s okay, certainly no BSG–but it’s rare to find a show that good.

Anyway, there are a lot of things I don’t like about Caprica and I’m honestly not surprised it got canceled. BUT, the point of even talking about this is that there’s one thing that Caprica has on it that is really really awful.

You know at the beginning of tv shows when it’s all “previously on whatevershow…” and shows clips from important plot points so if you forgot or you missed something, you can quickly get up to speed? OKAY, well, like many shows, Caprica does this, but the way that they do it is incredibly stupid and makes me a little angry. Basically, they show a picture of a character and then their voice says “I’m soandso characterperson, and I am feeling like this and trying to do this…” Like…don’t tell me that like I’m two years old and don’t understand what’s happening, can’t you just do it like other shows? I managed to get through Lost like that, I honestly think I can follow Caprica. Yuck. It makes me not want to watch it, so I fast forward through the beginning part of every episode. Don’t patronize me. It’s ridiculous. Why? Why do you hate me Caprica?

and I heard this. I sorta listened to it before because my dad gifted me the album Nuages du Monde by Delerium a few days ago. I’ve been listening to it while I’m studying, but without that distraction, this song stuck out. The thing I like most about it is that there’s a beautiful voice–but I’m pretty sure there aren’t any words. Which is interesting. And cool.

Lemme tell ya, I’m getting real fucking sick of masculine gay men hating on effeminate gay men. This is not helping us become a cohesive force for our rights. I mean, yeah, I guess you’re allowed to dislike anyone you want, sure go for it—but that doesn’t mean you should be an asshole. Keep it to your fucking self, please.

Besides, it’s the queens and the butch lesbians that bear the brunt of the homophobia that’s meant for all of us.

I have the luxury of hiding. It’s not always IMMEDIATELY obvious what my sexuality is by just looking at me. I’m pretty much out to everyone who asks, but I don’t have to be if I don’t want to. That’s something that I am appreciative of because it means that I dodge a lot of the shitty hate storm that gays sometimes find themselves in. I can hide when I need to, and will do if it makes me feel safer in any situation. Effeminate gay men and masculine gay women do not always have that same option. But day after day, they get up and they are who they are and they take the shit for it. That’s really fucking brave and I think that those of us gays who fit our gender norms a little bit better should fucking appreciate that.

So stop fucking hating on queens.

That.Is.All.

I’m of the firm belief that everyone could use some good therapy. I don’t think it’s possible to not have some unresolved issues hidden inside your head. And while the problems might be hidden, they are far from gone and everything inside of you affects how you think, act and view the world around you.

I just hate that telling someone that they need therapy is considered offensive. I hate that people don’t go because they honestly believe that if they can’t fix a mental problem themselves they’ve “failed”. I hate that mental disorders have a stigma attached to them and that they’re not considered a medical problem when they very obviously are.

I think it’s idiotic, frankly, that in this day and age, with so much research and knowledge and resources, that this attitude about therapy still persists. I hate feeling like I shouldn’t tell people where I’m going when I have an appointment with my therapist. I hate seeing people around me suffering and not taking the next logical step to fixing it because therapy is supposed to just be for crazy people or people who are weak.

I think it’s bullshit. Wake the fuck up, people. You are at least a little bit broken. I am a little bit broken. Bad things happen. They affect us. We are all a little dysfunctional and no one makes it through this life in perfect condition–that’s the nature of it–plain and simple.

It’s not uncommon to see suicidality, drug problems, family problems, relationship problems, stress related problems, untreated mental disorders and all other kinds of things ranging widely in seriousness…we see these things every day and everyone wonders how to make it better. How do we make it better?

I can tell you this much, I think everyone needs therapy. It’s no different from seeing doctor when you’re not feeling well or getting a check up to make sure you’re doing alright. It’s no different from seeing a nutritionist to make sure you’re putting the right things in your body or a personal trainer to help you get in shape. It’s no different from going to a chiropractor when you just need a little adjustment.

It’s exactly the same as all of those things, only it’s for the most important part of you–your mind. Your brain controls everything you do, think, feel and say. Your mind is where your decisions and thoughts come from. Why would you not take care of it–even if you don’t think there’s anything wrong with you–just to be safe?

It’s exactly the same, only our attitudes as a society tell us that it’s different.